Man Fiction
by Pbroken
Summary: What would fan fiction be like if we took our favorite Dirty Edward and made him into a real man with all the "wonderful" characteristics of the significant others we both love and hate? The answer is Man Fiction, a one shot poking fun at real life. AU/AH


**So, I'd like to explain real quickly how this came to be. The other day I received a message from one of my friends on here, reluctantreader. She proceeded to tell me that she had left a one shot open on her computer and her boyfriend had been kind enough to write a lemon for her. Needless to say, it was downright fucking hysterical. Let's just say it included the phrase, 'BITCH...IM'A PUT IT IN YOUR BUTT!' LOL Anyways, after nearly laughing myself to death, I thought up the funniest idea. Why not write a realistic one shot, fan fiction for the real life man? Once again, I own nothing Twilight, but I do have a husband who loves to piss me off purely for the fun of it. Enjoy and please review! Without further ado, I give you Real Life Man Fiction:**

**It's Funny to Piss Her Off**

**EPOV**

I walked into the room and caught sight of Bella. She was naked and bending over, drying off her hair that was drenched from her never-ending shower. Seriously, why did that bitch need to take such long fucking showers? What, did she think I was made of money? Anyways, the fact that she wasn't wearing anything made my dick pulse. Fuck yes, it's go time! I moved quietly forward, sneaking up on her like a ninja.

"Hey, Woman!" I hollered, smacking her ass hard at the same time.

She jumped a foot into the air with a squeal of fear and turned to face me with her hand on her chest. She was clearly angry, but I laughed because that shit was fucking funny.

"BOOBIES!" I shouted with a smile, reaching forward and squeezing them as I ran my thumbs over her nipples. She smacked my hands away. "Hey! I was playing with those!"

She rolled her eyes and looked downward where my dick was straining against my jeans.

"Seriously, Edward?" She sounded annoyed, but I knew that the fact that my dick was almost constantly hard made her feel like she was the hottest thing in the world. It's not that she's not hot, because she is, but truth is, I could get fucking hard if the wind blew in my direction. I wasn't going to tell her that though. "I've got to leave in like five minutes to meet your mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans."

"Bella," I raised an eyebrow at her. "You and I both know that I can blow my load in two. Hell, one, if I shove it in your ass."

"No, I'm going to be late. By the way, there's no way you're going anywhere near my butt, I'm still sore from the last time I gave in to your incessant whining and let you put it in my ass," she said, or I think that's what she said all I actually heard was, 'Blah, blah, blah, put it in my ass.'

"Come on, Bella, just fucking suck me off, please?" I pouted my lips and she let out a deep sigh, reaching forward to pull my dick from my pants as she fell onto her knees.

Damn straight!

She shoved me into her mouth and I immediately started to moan because her mouth felt wet and warm around me.

"Oh, god, fuck, Bella," I panted breathlessly and clutching her still wet hair, I began pounding into her mouth, staring at my dick as it slid past her lips again and again.

Her tongue flicked across the tip and I felt my stomach clench as my knees locked.

"Yes," I growled, bucking into her pretty yet obviously impatient face. It felt too fucking good for me to care honestly. She'd get over it. A wicked thought came to mind as my dick stiffened and I knew she would fucking kill me because she'd have to take another shower, but I thought it would be funny to aggravate her a bit more, so I did it anyway.

"Shit, here it comes, Ugh," I tugged on her hair, pulling her mouth from my dick just as the first spurts of jizz started to fly out. I sprayed it all over her face, making her turn bright red with anger as I suppressed the urge to laugh.

She smacked my thigh hard, which hurt like a bitch, and then, she huffed out a breath of air before tears began to fall from her eyes and I suddenly felt terrible.

"Shit, babe, I didn't mean to make you cry. I was just kidding around," I attempted to apologize as she rushed to the bathroom and shoved her face under the bathtub faucet while turning on the water. She started groaning and hissing like she was in pain. What the fuck?

"You got it in my fucking eye, you asshole!"

I couldn't help it, I laughed hysterically, wrapping my arms around my midsection when it started to hurt from laughing so hard.

"Yep, just laugh it up, fucker. We'll see who's laughing when I tell you're mother about the motorcycle you bought."

"You wouldn't!" I exclaimed and Bella gave me a devious smirk while wiping off the side of her face with a towel. I probably would have laughed at the fact that her eye was bright red, but the thought of my mother finding out that I bought what she considered the most dangerous vehicle in the world was more than enough to make me reconsider.

I only had one option, I decided to use my special weapon. Stepping forward, I placed one hand at her waist and the other on her cheek, giving her the panty dropping, loving smile that always made Bella melt like butter.

"What can I do to make it up to you?" I asked. She looked at me for a moment before a devilish grin came across her face. Oh shit, abort mission. ABORT MISSION! "I mean, I could take you out to dinner or a movie, we could go see a movie."

It was too late, she'd already caught my moment of weakness.

"Not that, love, anything but that!" I begged, using my most adoring pet name, desperate for her to reconsider.

"Aw, don't be mean, baby. Jacob will be so happy to have you for amateur night at the club," she replied and then, let out a twinkling laugh.

Jacob, her friend, her very gay and totally into me friend, owned a gay strip club downtown. I didn't have anything against gay guys, but he just didn't understand that no meant no and Bella had fun encouraging his obsession with me.

I dropped my hands from her body, letting out a groan.

"Wear the leopard print thong. That's the one Jake says he always pictures you in when he's beating off." She left the bathroom, laughing loudly. I may have been a bit of an ass, but Bella was fucking Satan. It was going to be a long, hard night.

**If you'd like to read more hilariousness, I suggest checking out Marriage: In All Its Splendor by reluctantreader. She decided to write her own thing for Man Fiction as well and her take on Alice and Jasper is just too funny. **

**Now come on, leave me a review people. I feel like a beggar asking for spare change because just like a beggar, I know you have something, you just don't feel like sharing it. Didn't anyone ever tell you that sharing is caring? So show a little caring and share your opinion! I know you have one, unless your a zombie or something and if you are a zombie, please don't eat my brains, there's not much there to satisfy you anyway. Lol  
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